my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
