Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
