I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
