My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
