Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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