K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
