So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
