I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
