i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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