i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize