do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
