Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
