I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
