Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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