I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize