and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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