One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
