I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
