Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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