new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
