His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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