Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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