I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
