He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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