I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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