i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
