Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
