He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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