I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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