when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
