I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
