My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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