Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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