I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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