Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
