i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize