dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
