did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
