I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
