I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
