between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize