He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
