went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
