she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
