so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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