That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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