Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
