She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
