This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
