just tell him i said nine months
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
