I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
