I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
