Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
