Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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