is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think people are normalizing furries
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
