nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
