the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This house was built for laser tag.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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