i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
