I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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