I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
