It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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